Only A Human
by euphxria
Summary: "It's painful. To be reminded that you're a monster; to know that your family including your beloved brother does not love you anymore. It hurts whenever I see Shizuo looking at my younger brother so lovingly. What's more when everyone preferred him over me? But then I remembered my father's words. Conceal, don't feel. That's the key, right?" [ Eventual Shizaya. ]
1. Prologue

**.Prologue.**

It was night. We were children by the time the events began to out fold. The start of my unfortunate fate after one single mistake. Ever since then, I've always thought that incredulous matters filled the entire world; that I was the only one with these miserable conceptions. Of how one word can affect the entire universe, how one simple statement could easily crush us as if we were pawns.

* * *

That night, the first snow fell although the clock displayed that a new day had begun.

Flakes from the sky continued to fall, most parts of the city were covered in blankets of ice and frost. Streams of lakes and rivers cascaded into their frozen state, the trees had their leaves shed in a favor of having their water stored. Whilst each and every individual indulged themselves into a soothing slumber, tucked into their bed with a smile on their face. Even I was one of them.

I comfortably buried myself within the silken blankets. My lips curled at the warmth surrounding me, for it made me felt safe.

It didn't take long until I heard a noise however, and it appeared to be coming from outside my door. Not bothering to bat an eye open, I instead listened intently to the creaks as I felt the intruder entering. Brows arched in suspicions when I felt the figure drawing closer, and closer, and closer towards me. At this point, I grew alarmed. There was a sudden weight from the corner of my bed, it didn't feel too heavy but rather light. Resembling more of a feather.

Intrigued, I crept an eye open, not expecting any sort of those monsters to be on my bed. For one, I never did believe in them, even as a child. But I did believe in miracles and peaceful endings. As soon as I turned my head, I immediately regretted it. The price? Tackled by the figure, and the weight finally fell onto me. With a muffled shriek, I found the strength to push away whoever that was, even though a certain person passed through my mind as I did that.

"Iza-nii! Iza-nii! Let's play, let's go and play!"

"Psyche, what are _you_ doing here?" Rising from my laid position, I sat properly on the bed. An unamused expression put on as I glared at him, obviously displeased at how the situation had turned. The intruder, though, bounced back into his overjoyed mode. My hand swept up in his as Psyche swung them around playfully, repeating a mantra of 'Let's play!' once again. I sighed in weariness, now comparing my meddlesome brother to a broken recorder.

"I want to sleep. Go back to your room."

With that said, I purposely pushed him so he could fall off the mattress, a small thud heard. Satisfied, I wore a smirk before reaching over for the blanket and yanked it over. But I knew that Psyche isn't one to give up so easily. And as soon as I pulled the sheets up to my head, it was immediately snatched away, the coldness got to me and made me shiver. For one more time, and hopefully the last, I was about to protest but Psyche beat me to it. A question that never failed to ignite the excitement within me. Six words, one simple question.

"Do you wanna build a snowman?"

I froze, blinking for few times before taking a glance outside the window, it was still snowing. Looking back to my brother, he had a huge grin on his face and in return, I smiled. We both exactly knew what would happen next.

_"... **Yes**."_

"But for god's sake, quiet down before mom catches us."

No more words were needed to be spoken. After wearing our coats and gloves, Psyche and I made a dash for the door downstairs, being as silent as possible while our parents were still sleeping. With a step taken outside the house, we quickly sprang off on our own and into the middle of the night. Exchanging few words and soft laughter at the successful attempt of our escape, not once giving a chance to think of the consequences if we were caught. We never really cared, we did what we wanted, and we always seek for entertainment whenever the other was around.

We eventually arrived at our destination. A frozen lake, unscathed and glistened in beautiful colors that shone under the moonlight; and trees surrounding it in a circle. This was our favorite outdoor place every season. During summer, we'd sit under the trees and share a picnic. During autumn, we would take a walk around the lake's residence. In winter, we have snowball fights, build a snowman or even go skating on the frozen lake. That night, we chose to skate instead.

I left Psyche alone for a while that time, told him to not move as I went to search for our shoes. When I made my way back to the lake, I heard a cry for help; the voice sounded familiar, almost like Psyche that it made my heart race hurriedly. I pleaded for it not to be my brother but luck didn't seem to be on my side.

"_Iza-nii!_" It was definitely him. Releasing the ice skates, I ran for the lake, each step I have taken made a crunched noise as my scattered thoughts went bizarre. Did someone hurt him? Was he captured? What will mom and dad say if they found about this? All I know for sure is that I'll be dead. More dead than a dead man.

Finally reaching the place, I saw Psyche standing on the frozen lake. I sighed in relief, at least no one was bothering him or made any attempts to pull his life away. But I was curious, why was he remaining so still like a frozen statue?

"Psyche? What's wrong?"

He turned his head to look at me, his eyes alone showed fear. After I took the first cautious step into the ice rink, he shook his head. I was confused, uncertain of why was he shaking his head at me. Being a simple-minded child back theb, I ignored it and continued to approach him.

"Iza-nii, don't."

There was a sincere concern in his tone but I didn't listen. After all, I had an intention to help him so, why is he telling me to not to do it?

"Stop!"

I ignored his protest, taking few more steps.

"_STOP!_"

**_Crack!_ **I immediately halted and glanced at the surface below. There was a visible split in the ice, panic began to rose as I staggered backwards, but I only made it more worse. More cracks were made, and I was forced to stay frozen in my spot. Silence fell, none of us were spoke nor move an inch; we were afraid that it'll do the damage worse. I let my eyes wandered over to Psyche, and he too did the same. I could feel his anxiety radiating from here and I knew that we were both panicking.

Much to our dismay, more sounds of crack came to our ears, capturing our attention. But what caught me by surprise was that, the new cracks appeared to be around Psyche, and himself alone. And before we even knew it, he wasn't on the surface anymore. Plunged into the cold fresh water.

_"Psyche!"_

* * *

**Author's note**: Okay, so. Um. To clear up things first;

1) This chapter is basically Izaya telling the story from his view. So, this is more of a flashback. They were children around this time.

2) Take note that this chapter is a prologue! Please excuse my grammar too, English is not my first language. ; u ; Please review?


	2. First Track

**[Track 1]**

Fortunately, the incident took place right around the corner of our house. I suppose that my call for Psyche bargained loads of attention because our parents came to the rescue, it seems they've finally noticed that we were gone. I trembled in fear, mother grabbed me away from the scene but her grip on my arm was harsh. Father, at the meantime, dived into the lake to save Psyche. They managed to bring him out, rushing back to the house to warm him up and call for the ambulance.

The whole time, they ignored me and focused on their youngest son. I was about to enter the room, having enough of the concern chatters and went to ask if Psyche would be all right. When my name was mentioned, I immediately paused. Curiosity got the best of me, and so I peeked through the crack of the door and listened instead. I heard father shouting. He yelled– he yelled that it was my fault. How I didn't help Psyche and stood there like a door.

My breath hitched, a lump caught between my throat when the words struck me like a thunder. I wanted to voice out, to protest how it wasn't my fault. But in the back of my mind, I knew that I was responsible for all of this. Thus, guilt began to rise. Mother defended me, her voice rising as she said that I was only seven and how traumatized I could be. However, their conversation didn't manage to finish. Sirens of an ambulance could be heard outside the house, and I immediately scrambled away from the door as it was pushed open, my father carried Psyche to the exit and mother followed after him. And I went to follow them too.

Cautiously, my father handed Psyche to one of the men, and Psyche was soon placed onto a mattress. Mother climbed into the back of the van, I went to enter too but I was stopped. Obscured by a figure that stood in my way. Knitting my brows in confusion, I trailed my gaze upwards only to be greeted by my father's angered expression. I froze. A familiar sensation of fear crawling through my spines. There was silence between us at first but father was the one who broke it.

'You manipulated him into coming with you, didn't you? All that for your sick entertainment?' Said he. I felt tears stinging in the corner of my eyes as he said, but I held them back, taking all the moments to register what my father had said. I wanted him to stop but he continued, 'I bet you were the one who pushed him. Or maybe, he was convinced by you?'

It wasn't me, I wanted to yell it wasn't me but I kept quiet. My instincts told me to keep quiet.

_'You're not allowed to go and that's the final. Go back to your room, I don't want to see your face again. You, you...'_

'Monster.'

**[End of first track.]**

* * *

.Chapter One.

Izaya woke with a jolt, a bead of sweat trickled down his forehead as he erratically breathed out in few pants. It was that dream again. But it couldn't be a dream if it was bad, right? Although, it wasn't exactly a nightmare either since it had already happened long ago. A memory that haunted him for several years. Lifting a hand, he reached to wipe off the sweat. Sighing, as the brunet glanced over at the clock to read the time.

6:54 AM. Shit, he was late.

_"Izaya, wake up!"_

Loud knocks erupted from the door, tearing away Izaya's gaze from the clock before he immediately got out of the bed. He was well aware of what would happen if he is not on time. "I'm awake!" He practically exclaimed in his fake cheerful tone, trudging over to the closet and quickly grabbed onto his school attire, hastily wearing them on before he made his way to the bathroom.

As soon as he had finished his morning routine, he finally went downstairs. Izaya could hear the scraping of spoons from the kitchen, which told him that his family were having breakfast, starting off without him. Well, not that they usually do start with his presence. Even if Izaya was on time, they wouldn't allow him to eat with them. They often disregarded him, throwing him those looks whenever he wasn't looking but Izaya was smart. He was aware of the things around him. At least, his mother was kind enough to leave some food for him. He always thought that maybe, just maybe. There was hope.

That one day, he would be able to eat with them like he once did, and maybe they would accept him as their beloved family member once again. But reality got to him however, there was no chance of that happening. He couldn't see it happen. It would never happen, it simply never would.

Pushing away his thoughts, he approached for the exit. A hand on the knob as he twisted it, pulling it open before he could make the first step out of his house. What caught him by surprise however, there was a blond by the door. His golden locks fell in disarray, a hand brushed in his pockets while the other was raised to knock on the door before the brunet had already opened it. Izaya felt his heart fluttered immediately at the sight of him, he didn't know why but he unconsciously smiled at the other.

"The hell you smilin' at, flea?"

Instead of a smile returned, it was a scowl. Izaya was reeled back into reality once more, but his smile remained, this time with an intention to hide his vulnerability. Clicking his tongue and releasing the grip on his bag, he leaned on the frame, faking an arrogant smirk like he always did.

"Tsk, must you always be rude, Shizu-chan? I was smiling, what's wrong with that?"  
"I wouldn't be if you weren't a prude. And stop calling me that, damn it!"

Ouch, that hurts. The brunet could feel a scar engraved in his chest, but that was probably his imagination. His heart, now yearned desperately for the blond to see pass through him. To look through him. To see that the he was in pain ever since. However, Izaya being Izaya, he tried to discard the pain; reminding himself that he was used to it. Used to the pain. Used to have people shouting at him. Parting apart his lips, he was about to shoot back a witty comeback but a squeal got to him.

_"Shizu-chan!"_

In a flash, the scene before him changed and Izaya now felt a heavy tug on his heart, as he watched the two together in an embrace. He frowned, only to be replace by one of his fake smile instantly. When they pulled apart, Shizuo was not scowling anymore but rather smiling sincerely, gazing down at the other brunet whom clung onto him. How funny, he mused, pushing himself off the frame to close the door behind them, the pair had already walked away and they were in the lead, Izaya trailing after them. Like a third wheel. Well, not that he isn't.

The whole time they walked to school, Izaya had been intently surveying Shizuo and Psyche. They seemed so perfect; they were exactly opposite yet they were so similar. Both were impatient and feisty, but Psyche was approachable, while Shizuo gave off this dangerous aura. It was also amazing how the two never fought over anything, they acted like a couple. They weren't one, but Izaya knew the moment he looked at them both. They were in love. It was so obvious. After all, Shizuo refused to be called by a pet name from anyone, not even Shinra. when it came to Psyche, it was different, Shizuo didn't mind his younger brother calling him _'Shizu-chan'._ He didn't mind at all.

About few minutes later, they finally arrived at the school gates. The trio parted, Shizuo went with Psyche while Izaya headed into the other direction. Their lockers were located in different sections, which made the brunet felt grateful. He didn't know why, he wanted to see the blond but whenever his brother intervened, he envied them to the depths of his heart. It pained him.

Shaking off his thoughts, he pulled out his schedule from his bag. Chemistry was the first period he had, and a thought came to him in a second. There was a test upheld today. Izaya gave out an irritating sigh as he rushed off to the lockers section. But what he discovered caught him by surprise. By the time he had opened his locker, his books were gone. All of them. Gone. Panic settled in the petite teenager's mind, for he hasn't revised any of the notes given yet.

He needed the notes now. He badly needed them. He needed- wait, no- he has to score a perfect mark for this test. But where could the books have-

"Look, the freak is searching for his books!"

From the corner of his eyes, three male students leaned against the other corners, sneering as if they were satisfied. "What're you going to do for the test now, huh? Going to offer some blowjob to teacher so you could get an A?" One of the jocks mocked. At this point, Izaya only smiled, confidence laced in his tone as he began to speak back.

"That's a good idea, actually."

And that said, he closed the locker with a slam. Walking away as he ignored the glares in which he had received.

* * *

**Author's note:** God, I can't believe that I actually managed to write and update another chapter after I published it. Anyway, the tracks part shall be explained soon. Not in the near future, but definitely soon. Anyway, I'll spoil a little part of the ending here. The pairing in the end would be Izaya/Shizuo. Keep supporting for me to continue, guys! Because believe it or not, I need support to actually have the inspiration.


	3. Second Track

**[Track**** 2]**

Two days have passed since the incident, as I patiently waited for my parents to return. I grew anxious, I felt the urge to rush off to the hospital but I remembered my father's words. I must not leave the house. Thus, I obeyed him out of reluctance and continued to wait until the sun sets, and arise in a new beginning then all over again. The condition around the household seemed lonely than ever, and the once cheerful resonance has succumbed to a complete silence. My breath, being the only thing that I could hear.

We didn't have any maid, therefore no one took care of me that time. I had to look out for myself; I spent most of those days being locked away in my own room- silently weeping over the incident. The memory kept repeating in my head, I felt guilty. Even until now, I guess. Who wouldn't feel guilty if they were in my place? Perhaps I deserved it and the abrupt cold treatment. I should also be grateful at some point. At least, Psyche would not be shun by father.

Father's words came back to me again. It was scary. I never seen so much anger in those eyes, I wasn't used to those eyes. I was usually bathed in affection, the loving looks in which each and everyone had given me. This came to me as a first experience. Although, I was a child with eyes filled of curiosity, I perfectly understood why father got mad. The moment every time we took a step out of our quaint house, Psyche was under my responsibility.

_But alas, I have placed him in great danger._

_**[Track has paused. Please press play to continue.]**_

* * *

.Chapter Two.

Through the halls, wavering steps were made in a frantic pace. The school bell shall start by any minute now; once it rings, it was time for the test to begin, and that meant Izaya wouldn't be able to participate in taking the test. In other words, he will fail if they started off without him. That was how the system in this academy went through, if you're late then my apologies, you won't be taking the test. Unless there were certain reasons for it, of course. But Izaya didn't have any valid reasons. So no- no. Izaya shall not fail. He will not take the risk in failing; he has to be perfect. In order to be perfect, he must get rid of his flaws. Which explains why the brunet is currently dashing for his class.

Although he may seem like he was one born with the natural talent to study, even without any revision; what people did not know was his efforts. Countless amount of time spent on his studies. There was a reason behind it, of course, because when it comes to Izaya, there would always be a reason. Even the impossibilities have their reasons.

Our existence held a reason. Yet the brunet does not know of his meaning here yet. Hopefully, it would eventually be revealed. Maybe not sometime in the near future but he wanted his existence to at least bring a meaningful moral.

Therefore, he has to be perfect. To be perfect, he needs to have those perfect marks.

If it weren't for those neanderthals that dared to toss his books away, he probably wouldn't have to worry about any of this. But they did anyway, and Izaya ended up in the bathroom, with a mobile in his scrutiny hands as he scrolled aimlessly through the screen. Muttering few words now and then, in hopes of having enough time.

Quite satisfied, he shoved his device back into his pocket, which he doesn't have to be concern about as well. Not even for his switchblade. After all, no one did bother to do a check on him because, well- Izaya was very well known in his school. The teacher's pet, the smart guy, and many, many more. Yes, he was that guy; the perfect grades, complexion of golden, and an alluring persona. Everyone thought he was perfect. Everyone, if you didn't include his family, enemies and Heiwajima Shizuo, that is.

_'I'm almost there, I'm almost there, almost...'_

_'- there!'_

The bell rang. At that very moment, Izaya had stumbled effortlessly into the class, capturing the undivided attention as all eyes were set on him. Of course, there were those usual glares, emitting a radiation of jealousy. His professor, however greeted him with a warm smile, his voice booming throughout the room.

"Izaya, right on time! As expected from the perfect student!"

Izaya almost blushed at those words. Almost. That wasn't really the first, but he liked it, whether they were being sarcastic or not; it boosted his self-confidence. Compliments given to him were rare, but that was what made them more precious, right? It doesn't matter if the truth was painful, he was thankful to be surrounded by honest people. Sheepishly, he rubbed at the back of his head, muttering an apology in his common 'everything is fine' tone, "My apologies, sir. I ran into trouble."

"Well, come on in, the test is about to begin and we couldn't afford to lose our time!"

At this, the brunet gave off his usual smirk and wandered off to his table, settling his books under the desk and promptly placed his pencil case onto the surface. All at the meantime, he was ready. Chair was pulled to the front so he could sit up properly, a determined expression worn on his face as the papers were given out before him. He was going to ace this test like he always did.

Not even a thug or the losses of his book could fail him.

* * *

**[Second track has been resumed.]**

The day, that I never thought would come, finally came. Psyche was back. A smile plastered onto his face while he continued to cling onto mother's hand. I was about to welcome them, taking a deep breath before I could reveal myself from the shadows- until father step into the scene, and I was reminded of his words once again. So, I paused. No sound nor a single word came out. Instead, I listened to the merry chatters until it reaches the point when Psyche began to ask regarding my whereabouts.

_'Mom, where's Iza-nii? I want to play with him!'_ I heard him exclaimed. I wanted mother to say 'Yes', and that, it was okay to let him meet me. However, mother didn't respond, which I found it odd. Eventually though, she did answer but it wasn't an answer that I was hoping for.

_'Iza-nii is upstairs. But don't bother him. You shouldn't play with him anymore, Psyche. It's now too dangerous.'_ Of course, I was confused at the last part. I kept on pondering, even till now, what did mother meant by, it's now too dangerous?

_'But why, mother?'_  
_'Because... Psyche. He was the one who put you into the hospital.'_

Ah, I should have known. Should have known that my mother was on my father's side the whole time. I waited as they walked off to the another part of the house, leaving me in silence and register over what happened. I began to chuckle to myself, I didn't know there were tears leaking from my eyes before I pulled myself away from the scene. At this point, I remained standing under the shadows, not bothering to move an inch. I just stood there, allowing the guilt to wash over me. Of course, it was me, it has to be me.

I was the one who hurt him. I had hurt him.

**[End of second track.]**

* * *

Sixth period arrived to an end, and the bell rang once again; signalling it was time for break. Izaya rose to his feet, an urge to get out of the classroom steadily increased and not due to boredom, but rather, the stares were what got to him. The adolescent knew that he should be familiar with it by now, but the attention given to him was quite disturbing. He loved attentions as much as anyone, but not the ones when you could literally feel a dangerous aura seeping out from. Not those kind of attention.

Then again, what do you expect from a boy whom is only seeking for affection? A reminder that he could be loved?

"Hello, Shinra! Dotachin!" The door was pushed open, and Izaya entered the rooftop section for a usual hangout.

Immediately, everyone who was present there turned to him, Shinra being the only one to greet him with a wide smile. "Ah, welcome, Orihara-kun!" That was odd. Probably about Celty again, Izaya mused to himself as he approached the group. Apparently, the ones who were present there was himself, Shinra, Kadota, Shishizaki and much to his dismay, Shizuo. Followed by Psyche. Izaya went to sit by Shishizaki, although his attention lingered on the pair not too far from him.

"- Then he literally screamed when I popped out!"  
"Poor guy."  
"I know! He probably even peed his pants!"

Psyche seemed to be telling Shizuo a joke, and the blond laughed. Strangely however, Izaya didn't focus not only on Shizuo this time, but instead, it was on Psyche. He certainly had grown, with those black locks swaying ever so calmly; and a complexion much more rivalled to his. His eyes, they weren't red but illuminated in magenta shades. Maybe, just maybe.

Maybe this is why Shizuo fell in love with his brother. But of course! Unlike the flea, Psyche was more understanding, and he displayed sincere affection to those in need. It was ironic however, how he doesn't seem to notice Izaya was there.

It was as if, he had been invisible all the time. Heck, Shizuo didn't even say anything since he came in. Wasn't that unusual?

Izaya smiled however, but a forcibly tugged one. One that was made out of sadness. He couldn't blame Psyche, he couldn't blame him for what he has done. If he wishes to treat Izaya like an open air, then let him be. He would do anything for his brother. Yet- there was a problem. A thought crept in, whilst Izaya continued to witness Shizuo and Psyche being on friendly terms. His fist clenched, brows slightly furrowed when a strange emotion crawled after his thought. He wasn't going to give Shizuo up. Not yet.

Little did the child of misfortune know however, there was a man who had been watching him intently.

A man who only noted his observations as he remained quiet.

_Oh, Izaya._

_You really do care about them, don't you?_

* * *

**Author's note:** Yay, so here's the third chapter. The grammar sucks, I know, I was quite in a hurry. I immediately wrote this after school and I have school again tomorrow. Anyway, please enjoy! Oh, and thank you for the reviews! They really did motivate into writing more further. 3 Please do review.

Also:

_**Shishizaki** _was mentioned in the novel before, therefore he should be counted as a canon character. It was said that he had attended Raira Academy with Shizuo, Shinra and Izaya. Although, I'm not sure about Kadota. In this story, he is blond. And you all might want to remember him because he plays an important part.


	4. Third Track

**[Track 3]**

Ever since Psyche came back that day, father once again advised me to distance myself from him. I knew the reason to why, therefore I obliged to his wish. From time to time, I kept myself locked up in my room and never bothered to go outside. I no longer ate with my family, yet mother was kind enough to leave me some dishes. At times, I would sneak out, of course; to help myself with some food but there were those moments when I had to be cautious. The reason itself was very simple.

One day, as I sat by the window; my mind became too indulged with the novel that rested on my lap. I was smart for my age, my aunt told me that once before, and I had no problem in reading through it at all. Well, except for a definition for those fancy words back then. The plot consists of a boy whose life was filled of tragic events, his search through an adventure for an endless hope. Now that I think about it, he did remind me of myself. But there was something different about the boy. Somthing that I have truly admired. Unlike the flea like me, he stayed true to himself, never faking a smile as he strolled through the stormy clouds. Independent; never did the boy expect the others to make the first move.

A knock from the door however intruded my reading, thus snatching away my attention as I lifted an eyebrow in pure annoyance. After all, who wouldn't find it irritating to have disturbance?

'Who's there?' I called out, a sigh escaped from my lips before I'd settle the book down.

_'Iza-nii? That's you, right?'_

I froze, holding my breath as soon as I heard the familiar soft voice outside the door. My heart began to pound furiously, tuning out the now muffled chatters while the incident came back to me. Haunting my mind once again. Psyche. What was he doing there? I stayed silent, not responding to any of my younger brother's calls. There was another knock from the door, resonating throughout the whole room. Yet I did not move an inch, only remained in my glued place, listening to my rhythmic harsh breath.

_'... Iza-nii? I know you're in there. Come on, mom and dad's not here.'_

_'Can't we play for just a while?'_

I knew he was trying to stir up a conversation with me. I knew he was trying to make up to me at some point. But why? Does he feel guilty for what had happened? But no, no. That was unacceptable. Psyche wasn't supposed to feel guilty. He wasn't even supposed to talk to me. I've hurt him- He was supposed to be mad at me. I was utterly confused. I was at the fault for this, so why does he want to be with me again? I'll... I'll only make things worse.

Then another thought struck me, another reason to why I should not let Psyche in. If father happens to come home and found us in the same room, we would both be in trouble. At least, that was what I thought.

So, I said three things to make sure Psyche would leave me. Alone. Even by the means that I would end up hurting him in the end.

'Go away, Psyche.' And so I thought to my self.

_That should be enough._

**[End of third track.]**

* * *

.Chapter Three.

A pen tapped against the desk repeatedly, russet eyes gazed out into the sky as they would flicker to each corner once in a while. Halting on his vent of impatience, Izaya turned for a glance at the clock, in hopes for the school to be over. Honestly, he wanted to be at elsewhere. Not in the same room, breathing with those animistic barbarians.

_12:21 PM, _it read. Four minutes till the bell rings.

Infuriated, the brunet deciphered to take a lean in opposition to his chair. The noise came as an annoyance to him as he surveyed his environment. The scene was a big pile of mess. The teacher for commerce was absent, and the others were not able to take over the class. Thus, explaining why the class was in the state of havoc. It fascinated him however, as he managed to capture few rumors here and there. Such an expedition, he chuckled to himself, thinking how silly humans are nowadays. Rumors are rumors. No matter what you do, they could come as a great offense or an impression to most.

Take Izaya for an example. Or that one smart kid who keeps getting high grades. Who knew that his full marks on every test could bring envy? Or even, hatred?

Maybe, just maybe. He mused, watching the clock ticking and neared to the supposed time. But what if he doesn't get perfect marks? Would that make people like him more? Maybe. But then again, Izaya wasn't going to take the risk in that. _Remember, Izaya. This was all for Psyche. _

The bell finally rang, but Izaya was already out of the door, his bag slang across his shoulder.

_All for Psyche._

By the time he made a turn for his locker, Izaya immediately paused on his tracks. There, Shishizaki had rested his back against Izaya's locker, both arms crossed, followed by a worn face void of any emotions. From the looks of it, the blond appeared to be waiting for him to arrive. This certainly did intrigued the soon to be informant; it was rare to have Shishizaki trying to meet up with him. After all, the elder was a senior, and he would be graduating from Raira by this year. The first few months Izaya came here, he was one of the few people that managed to gain his interest. Least to say, Izaya grew fond but quite disturbed by the said individual's presence. As time flew by, and within the first year, the senior completely differed from the others.

Shrugging off his thoughts, the adolescent went to skid over, a grin plastered on as always before he chirped.

"Ah, Shishizaki-senpai! What are you doing here, ne? Have you been waiting for me? Ara, that's so rare—"

"Fuck off with the act, Izaya."

At this, Izaya flinched but only for a split second. That was unexpected. But how did he- Well, he knew what the other meant, but how did he see through him? Nonetheless, Izaya smiled. It was too early to let his guard down. However that didn't mean his mind did not slipped into panic mode, and this was one of the reasons why he had taken a partially great dislike in Shishizaki. The senior was capable of seeing through him; like a glass made out of crystal. It scared him, almost like how his father scared him long time ago.

"Act? I'm afraid that I do not know what you are talking about, my dearest senpai."

Instead of a comeback, the man only sighed out of exhaustion. By then, he brushed himself off against the cabinet, taking one step at a time to reach for Izaya. "Don't take me for a fool, Izaya," the words came out in a strangely calm yet threatening tone. It scared Izaya, and that was not common at all. So, why should he be afraid of someone else, when he isn't afraid of Shizuo? Shizuo and Shishizaki were alike on many ways. Both did not oblige to any of Izaya's predictions. Both of them were even blonds! Unlike the fortissimo of Ikebukuro though, never once did the other fell for Izaya's trap.

This should perfectly explain why the elder one only gave one of those looks in a response. Oh, you know, the ones that are 'Getting-real-tired-of-your-bullshit' faces.

Izaya squinted any eye at this point, only then would he take a glimpse around their surrounding. There were very few presences in the locker room, busily doing their own stuff as they'd rush out of the building school. The raven wanted to go as well, as Psyche could be waiting for him at anytime but in this case, Shishizaki already had him cornered. This vaguely meant there was no escape. For the millionth time of today, another sigh left the younger one's lips, and no movements were made for several moments. They patiently waited till no soul but theirs remained. Eventually, there was a faint nod finally given, a signal for the other to continue. "What do you want?"

"I want truth."

"Right. A truth. And your question?"

"What do you feel towards Shizuo?"

The question caught him off guard. This wasn't the question Izaya had been expecting. He had predicted that Shishizaki would ask him the typical 'What are you planning?' inquiry. Then again, this man too was unpredictable. Although, he could not understand; out of all questions, did the senior have to ask that?

Lie, he should lie. It was too early to let his guard down. Therefore, he should lie. He has to, as the corners of his lips tugged upwards, "I'm sorry, but I don't get what you mean."

"I'm not dumb like Shizuo, Izaya. You've been staring at them during break today." Of course, with the senior's presence, it seemed as if nothing could ever work out. But damn it, must he be observant that time as well? The raven knew that there wasn't any escape to this. Even if he tried, Shishizaki will catch up to him in no time; there isn't any doubt. Least to say, he was the only one who could outrun the Izaya Orihara, with an ability to thwart his plans. Perhaps that should be expected from a heir of a rich family.

After all, there was a reason to why Shishizaki caught his interest. He possesed the raw strength of Heiwajima Shizuo and an intelligence compatible to Izaya's. The raven could not help but muster a giggle at this though. He wondered, if he and Shizuo had a child, would he be exactly like Shishizaki? That would be a coincidence. Maybe Shishizaki was indeed their child but from the future. Not to mention, the senior was also capable of stopping their cat-and-dog fights.

Out of nowhere, Izaya began to chuckle. Soon, bursting out into roars of laughter.

"Oh, senpai! You're really are funny! But ne, ne, you shouldn't look deep into things especially when they're small matters! For your question, Isn't obvious?! I _hate _Shizu-chan! Who knows that he would suddenly throw a tantrum at my brother? Of course, I have to look out for him and protect him from Shizu-chan!"

"That's the biggest bullshit I ever heard."

At this, Shishizaki took a step forward, immediately triggering the younger one's alarm. Out of instinct, Izaya had his hands brushed into his pockets; one of his palms held a tight grip onto it. He kept a stern gaze on the approaching figure, quite confused over the sudden situation. But never mind that.

It was still too early to let his guard down.

"You say you hate him but your eyes stated otherwise."

His grip on the blade tightened, irritation could be seen on his face as a scowl crept in. Since when did the other cared? In fact, why did he even bother? Izaya didn't know. He was clueless. He can't read the other's mind as easily as the rest of his humans. Psychology happened to be his favorite subject, and he always get the perfect scores along with the bonus marks. The mind of a human body, their emotions, it was all too easy since Izaya could see through them. So, why? Shishizaki was also a human. So, what made him different? What considered him humane when he was so similar to both he and Shizuo?

His eyes narrowed dangerously, almost letting out a growl when he noticed Shishizaki taking another step, "What's your point?"

But the other did not oblige to his question. "I don't get why are you hiding all of this. Are you sure you're keeping a look out for your brother?"

"Stop."

"Are you sure you don't feel envy towards any one of them? Do you..." And another step.

_"Stop." _Why can't people leave him alone?

"— Do you really _hate _Shizuo?"

"I said, _**stop."**_

In a second, the blade had been pulled out. Its tip pointing directly to the senior's face in an indication of a threat. Acquiescence fell upon them, and by now, the two were the only remnants in the section. Those that managed to witness Izaya's outburst already went to scurry off, not wanting to be involved nor dragged into their fight. It's a good thing that Izaya knew who were those witnesses— so if they ever get the idea trying to sold him out to teacher, or else he'll make sure they're regret it. They'd absolutely regret it.

As time passed by, both continued their game of staring contest, basking themselves under the pressure of the argument. No one dared to speak, or even move. They merely stood there, attempting to look past their soul and deep into it as if they were searching for the key, that could solve the entire problems. It wasn't until later when Izaya reluctantly pulled back the blade. Remaining his gaze on the tall figure as he shoved the object into his pocket.

Finally regaining his composure, Izaya sighed. Only to wear a smile once again. "... Don't think too much, Shishizaki-senpai. And this never happened."

A moment later, the brunet headed for the exit, leisurely walking past the blond. He needed to get out of there now. All he wants is to be back at home and bear all the pain to himself. After several years of putting up a barrier, no one shall get through it. Not even Shizuo.

"Izaya."

He stopped for a moment, his head hung low with limbs effortlessly dangled around.

"We both know that this is my last and your first year here. And I thought I should let you know."

"I could tell who are the broken people. By seeing them, I could easily tell who they are. They may have thousands of barriers to protect the inner walls. Whenever you and Shizuo fought, I took in the observations. Your actions weren't out of hatred, I know. I could see the reluctance in them. You are alarmed, sensitive to your surroundings, and you do not bode well with your emotions. You may have the perfection but there is one thing you've been disregarding; your eyes. They show sadness. Why is that, Izaya?"

_— — "Why are you so sad?"_

Silence was the only thing that answered the senior's question. Izaya did not respond yet, for he had already walked away. Leaving Shishizaki to be the only one left in the building. The building that could make you feel lonelier than ever before.

* * *

**Author's note: **I'm sorry that I didn't get to update the story yesterday! So I made it extra longer. I hope you guys won't be confused. So, now you found that in this story, Izaya is still in his first year at school. You betcha, this is going to be one long story. And I like to take things slow, thank you-

For few warnings, I believe there would be hints of Shishizaki/Izaya in this story, only if you squint though. Oh, and yes, there would be implied IzaPsy. And definitely ShizuPsy. Thank you for the support, lovely people!


	5. Fourth Track

**[Track 4]**

Few months went by, yet Psyche continued to pester me. Everyday, I could hear him– sitting outside my door, waiting for a miracle that could never happen. He often brought breakfast for me, but I did not accept. Sometimes, he pleaded me to help on his homework. I continued to shut him, out of my own will. Not once had I taken a single step outside the room since that day. Although I felt hungry, I constantly lost my appetite, due to the sickening sentiment dwelt in my stomach. The guilt that remained did not help any further. All I wanted is Psyche to leave me alone, that wasn't so hard, was it? I couldn't see why he wanted to see me again. I could see why he would want to be with me. Now that I think about it, I probably would have done the same thing. Because that person didn't do anything wrong at all.

Thankfully, there were times when Psyche had to leave for school, giving me several moments to relish in peacefulness. Though, mother occasionally would come to my room. This went on since the beginning of the year. She brought me a tray of some food, and stayed to chat with me for a while. I felt happy. I felt extremely grateful– that mother remained to harbor her love for me. That time, I could only think of it as the only thing that kept my sanity. _Her love for her own son_. One day, I asked her; Mother. Why does father not like me anymore? Is it because I am a monster?

My eyes, they stung. Tears were in the corner of my eyes. I wondered, even till now, does he think I am a beast? His words, they were hurtful. The scene of father threatening me in a scary tone haunted me. That was the last time since we've talked. Finally, my tears fell. Tears of sadness and guilt. However, mother swept my tears away, as she tried to soothe me with her hushes. And she said– she said that father does love me. He loves both Psyche and I very much. But because one of his children almost died, he was traumatized. She told me I needed to give him more time. Few more days– or even weeks for him to forget the incident. But then, I asked her another question.

_Mother. Do you think it's my fault?_

My tone was shaky, I was afraid of her answer. What she told Psyche that day, it was all I could think of. I wanted- wait, no. I needed her to believe me. But mother did not say anything. She only pulled me in for a hug, her grip around me tightening by each second. Like she was afraid to lose me. This action alone answered my question. And so, I closed my eyes. Surprisingly, I didn't think about anything else that time, the unanswered question went unnoticed. The only thing that mattered to me was my mother. My mother; the one who gave life to me. The one who supported for me. The one who had defended for me.

The one who stayed there for me.

**[End of fourth track.]**

* * *

. Chapter Four .

After the heated encounter, Izaya had chosen the long track that led back home. For the reasons of; one, he felt the need to vent off his anger for few minutes; and two, as much as how he wanted to return home, he didn't mean that definition in home. **Home, **as in the people that takes care of you and cherishes you for who you are. They are the people that would be willing to accept you, never hesitating to show their affection nor how much they do care about you. And so, Izaya tried to recall the sensation; that warm sensation you receive when you return safely, arrived within the open arms of your family.

Now that was the part he had trouble with. Family. As much as how it displeases Izaya to admit, he didn't have any idea whether to consider them as his family. But. Family, home; weren't they the same thing? How about friends?

A kick was delivered to the piles of leaves obscuring his path, as Izaya continued to stride across the cemented pavement. Lifting his chin, his eyes wandered to the clouds. The view in the sky was rather breathtaking, if not for the fact that the sun had to gleam brighter than before. In some way, it did irritate the brunet. The rays were too bright, too bright that it could damage the human eyes. Once again, he stooped his gaze onto the ground, hands remained in his pockets as he began to fiddle with the blade in one of them.

Now, what should he do?

He halted on his journey for a moment. Allowing the thoughts to come to him, but most of them were related to the blond. No, not the Heiwajima. The other blond. The one that made an attempt to seek past Izaya's walls, and accomplished the mission successfully. However, he didn't quite get the idea. Shishizaki was a man who possessed intentions in every single thing he does. So, what did Shishizaki try to say? But most of all, why did it matter to him? Why did he bother with Izaya's emotions? Towards his supposed enemy?

The words came back to him once again, haunting his mind from all corners.

_"Your eyes. They show sadness. Why is that, Izaya?" _

_"Why are you so sad?"_

Did his eyes clearly shown his every single emotion?

Izaya didn't know whether he should be grateful or not. The senior had always been one to observe, that was the fact. Although, Izaya never did regard his own behavior would be taken into account. Could it be that Shishizaki does care for him? No, that wasn't possible. That doesn't even sound possible. If Shishizaki could tell how Izaya felt towards the fortissimo of Ikebukuro, then he would have not blatantly confront as simple as that. Instead, he might have done anything to haul the raven's attention away from the beast. So, if that's the case. Then what could the reason be?

Too much questions. There were too much questions needed to be solved. Thus, Izaya sighed in an exasperation, clearly frustrated at himself due to the state of his condition. Taking in a deep scent of the atmosphere, he resumed his way back home. In hopes of nothing worse, but a good thing would happen.

Oh, but who was he kidding? He shouldn't be acting like this! Not at all. He was the **Orihara Izaya**. Orihara Izaya does not weep. Orihara Izaya does not let his guard down. Orihara Izaya, one that claims to love the entirety of human race and shower them under his affection. In truth is, he wanted the world to know his pain. Indeed, the mask or rather a barrier he had put up became a part of him, a part of his daily life. The thought of loving his humans only came to him that one night. The night where every thing changed.

.

_Click!_

The door behind him closed with a lock, a lingering hand palmed against the wooden frame. Izaya stayed that way, but only for a short while. Soon, he turned to climb his way upstairs, making for a beeline towards his room. There were sounds of channels flicking from the living room, accompanied by few mutters and a laughter. It came to him as a hindrance at first, and thankfully, he managed to tune out the merry resonance. He knew what his family were doing, they were spending a quality time together, by watching a show or even a favorite movie of his.

Unknowingly, he already had a tear leaked from one of his eyes. It went unnoticed to him, because as soon as he had entered his room and slammed it with a shut– a sudden pair of arms embraced him from behind.

It definitely did come to him as a surprise, as a gasp emitted from him. However, Izaya possessed a divine reflex, all thanks to his practice at being a parkor master. Instantly, he tore himself from the grip by holding onto the wrists, unceremoniously swerved underneath the limbs and out of the trap, somehow slightly twisted the culprit's arms to prevent him from moving away. Although, whom he saw was not expected; in fact, it made all the reminders from the past rush to him in one go.

"Psyche?" His tone was cracked, and he immediately released the other, taking few steps back with widened eyes.

On the other hand, Psyche was busy mourning. A grunt escaped when the other tried to soothe his arms, a pained expression worn. That didn't last for long, the adolescent had already replaced the sorrowful visage with a cheerful one. "Long time no see, Izaya." No more casualties, only the first initial was used. It made Izaya cringed, face distorted at the unfamiliar name. After all, he was used to being called as big brother. At the meantime, he couldn't believe it was actually happening. He couldn't believe his younger brother is right there, right in front of him and pretended like nothing happened between them. But why? Why was he here? Or was this a mere hallucination? If so, could it be he finally went mad?

"I know. It's hard to believe, isn't it? It's been long since we talk, while you constantly shut me out."

_Wait. _How did he? Izaya shrugged off the thoughts, lips formed a perfectly firm line. Despite the fact that his circulation went vivid, mostly due to an unexpected meeting, his face remained void of emotion. Now is not the time to mess around. No sooner than later, he began to speak, "Psyche. How did you get into my room?"

"You've been shutting me out a lot, Iza-nii. I came here to seek for your answer, I want to know why you've been shutting me out."  
"That's not the answer I'm looking for."

The brunet's grin stooped to one of a frown, a little hurt at the tone used by Izaya. This was noted by the elder one, whom maintained a mask filled of emptiness, filled of such uncaring countenance. Silence fell, both of them engaged in a heated gaze, none of them dared to break the eye contact nor the heavy ice that hung upon them. They hovered there, allowing their souls to pitifully scream at each other after a long time absence of their reunion.

— "Why?"

Psyche appeared to perk his ears up at the sudden question, orbs illuminated in a shade of fear as soon as he realized the question was directed to him. "Why do you keep coming back? No matter how many times I discarded you. Why do you still come back? Didn't mom warned you?" The eldest had questioned him continuously in a monotone. Therefore, it was given off more like a threat. Like some sort of warning given if Psyche comes to bother him again. But that didn't matter now, Izaya needed the adolescent out of his sight. He has to be out of his sight before his parents knew he was here to begin with. "Didn't dad tell you that I'm a monster?"

Once again, silence served as the answers to his questions. Of course, the younger one often tried to reply, yet his voice caught hang up most of the time, only the first vowels or syllables were made. So, there wasn't any valid reason as it seems. Izaya allowed the guilt to wash over him again, a loud sigh purposefuly being set free from its confinement as he closed his eyes. He needed to do this. He has to.

"**Get out."**  
"A-ah?"

"Get out." Lids were unfold, revealing russet orbs obscured by a tinge of anger that flashed. No, it isn't supposedly to be directed at the younger brunet but frustration was gradually settling in. By the time Izaya caught a glimpse of dejected on Psyche's face, he felt distressed. But what must be done has to be done, right? He knew the other could be traumatized for now, and so, Izaya did one thing. Force.

He made a grip for the other's arm, forcibly pulling at him away as he reached for the door. The other did not make any moves to escape his grip, which made things a whole lot easier. Turning on the handle, he discharged the exit from its fastened position, hauling the other brunet forwards before releasing his grip. It was viewed as an accidental move, due to the fact that as soon as he released the grip, Psyche went tumbling down onto the ground, landing on all his fours.

For now, he would not care, there is always another time to weep about it. So Izaya said four or five things, a statement that he never dared to use when he was a kid. "Don't come back _ever _again."

_SLAM!_

The slam echoed throughout the room. Although, to Izaya, it was repeatedly heard over and over. As if a sentimental part of him had shattered. He lurched forward, exerting a pressure from his forehead onto the door as it made a small thud. His breath ragged, and his heart raced hurriedly than before. Sick, he felt so sick. The loud thumps of his heartbeat in his head . Changing his course, Izaya leaned his back against the frame, sliding down to the cold tiles with a hand placed over his heart– as he tried to calm himself down.

.

That night, he laid on his bed, eyes stained on the ceiling before him. The ceiling was a bit too childish, with few stickers glued and glow in the night. But he never did think of removing them. Although his room may be in need of customization, despite of its neat organization. Perhaps he should try and apply himself for a work. But for now, he needed a rest. After a long day and the events that happened today, his barriers were almost knocked over. He needed to be careful more next time.

That night, he began to hum to himself. Collecting the fragrance of a lullaby from the past, as he murmured its melody.

And as he continued to hum, his eyes gave away slowly, slowly succumbing to darkness. The stars being the last thing he's seen before he finally slept.

* * *

_Sleep my child, _  
_and peace attend thee._  
_All through the night;_  
_Guardian angels God will lend thee,_  
_All through the night._  
_Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,_  
_Hill and vale in slumber steeping,_  
_I, my loving vigil keeping,_

**All through the night.**

* * *

**Author's note**: Tried to keep this longer than before. But I failed. orz A little shout-out for crimsonfire3 since her constant reviews were one of those that kept me going. Thank you, dear!

For a little note, the first few chapters will be re-written soon. Plot stays the same however. And be prepared, everyone! There will be eventual twists around the corner. Not in the near future, but do prepare yourselves. c;


	6. Fifth Track

**Oh, I forgot to mention. Izaya decided to take a break from school since the beginning of that year. It was supposed to be mentioned in the previous chapter but I forgot, derp. His break would last only for about three months. Which means his school resumes in April.**

* * *

**[Track 5]**

I remembered that day. It was the day when Psyche and I turned eight together. That night, our parents decided to have a celebration at our house, and Psyche had been told to bring his friends. My presence wasn't much welcomed, at least, that's what I thought until I was invited by my mother. I hesitated at first. I didn't know whether I should go or not but in the end, I convinced her I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go. Yes. It's an incredibly incredulous notion, I know. You've probably thought that somewhere deep inside my heart, beneath the blue ocean– I longed to go, didn't you?

Guess what? You're on the right track, buddy! Although I did have a feeling that father wouldn't want me there. That could be enlisted as another reason why I didn't want to go. Remember when mother told me to give him more time? Few more weeks passed, yet father still couldn't get over the incident. Which mother thought it was ridiculous, and I agreed with her at one point. Then again, I could see the reason why. After all, whose caring parents lets their children go near someone who nearly killed them? Let alone that person is one of their children as well?

Well, I wouldn't say I nearly killed him.

Why would I want to kill him?

I bet Psyche did that to himself.

... Okay. These bad thoughts are settling in quicker than I thought. Envy, I suppose.

There were times I wished to be like him. Psyche was cherished for all his life, he was often the one who got the most attention from our parents– or should I say, father? Father was proud of him. At some point. Psyche wasn't exactly a bright student, but his enthusiasm makes up for it. No matter where he goes, the bubbly, happy, out-going persona of his radiated like the golden rays of sun, affecting the moods of everyone around him. It could even easily turn the sour state of mind to a 180 degree. In other words, he's viewed as the light to every darkness.

When I kicked him out of my room at our second encounter, I couldn't help but wonder. Did he feel sad? Sympathetic? What happened back then? Honestly, I felt curious but I didn't want to know. Well, back to the story. It started when I crept out of my room... Actually, I'm not really in the mood to tell you about the whole story so eh, if anyone happens to listen to this. You can always ask Psyche. He was there. Then again, no one's probably listening to this._ [chuckles] _Of course, it had to be expected.

... It just... had to be expected.

**[End of fifth track.]**

* * *

**.Chapter Five.**

The following day didn't turn out well for our young protagonist, even the next few days after that. Since the catastrophic incident in his room back then, Izaya didn't have the guts to face his family; for he feared they'd gaze down upon him. Not that they haven't yet– he merely didn't want to make it worse than the treatment he's already gotten. Every now and then, he would often leave for school in advance by departing from the house, as the sun had only begin to rise from its peak at the horizon. Once school ended, he would then linger in the outdoors and refrain his self from returning back home early.

Today wasn't any different. After roaming through his daily checklist, Izaya left with the door clicked shut and silently made his way down to school. The sun has yet to emerge, but the once dark sky painted of a lighter shade and that held no other meaning than the sun's approach. A sigh escaped from parted carmine lips, glazed russet orbs veiled by closed lids as the brunet took his time at a leisure pace. What to do to kill time? He knew the school gates wouldn't be open at this time. The thought of waiting for them to be open deemed to be excruciatingly boring for his own taste. And so, he decided to head towards one particular destination.

That destination happened to be a park. Oh, it wasn't any park. It was the park where he and Psyche used to play together. Smiling sadly, Izaya approached one of the swings. Taking a grip on the cords, he seated himself on the plank, a gentle breeze of cold air struck against his face no sooner than later. Only then as Izaya took in a deep breath, he became conscious of his damped cheeks. Damped cheeks? But why? He brought up a hand, having one or two caresses only to swipe away moisten remnants, and came to his senses that he had been crying.

How funny, he chuckled to himself. How does one even cry without any recognition? Uncanny as it seems, no one said it was impossible.

Izaya leaned his head against the metal ropes, the tears kept leaking no matter how many times he tried to stop. The process went on till he finally gave up, and since there was no one else in the park; at least not at this time, he didn't have to be concern about it. With a weak kick off the ground, he began to swing by himself. Keeping in mind that he, Izaya, was a mere one man army whose opponent turned out to be the world itself. A battle between him against the world. That does sound thrilling, doesn't it?

"In the end, I'll win anyway," Eyes closed and all movements were halted momentarily. "I win, they lose. And humans can't beat gods. They can never win against them. That's how it always goes. Each person shall tremble in fear before them. Only monsters were brave enough to face them. Therefore... Therefore, I'm a god... Then, that would mean Shizu-chan is a monster.."

A dry chuckle tormented through the empty playground. Fortunately, there weren't anyone. Izaya knew he could end up in an asylum if he kept talking garbage but who is one to talk when he had always received perfect grades? The student who always got the 1st place in every competition he had participated? The student who has met every expectations of every teachers and parents? The young man continued to laugh, twirling his self around on the swing. "Right?"

"Right."

**.**

Izaya remained standing in front of the school gates, contemplating whether or not should he enter. He didn't want to face few certain people, especially that stupid brute whom he happened to fall in love with. But Izaya wasn't one to admit things so openly. For several years, his opinion on love distorted; and to love, quoted the teenager himself, they have to share their equal pain together. The pain of having to suffer the other's experience. And as one who claimed to love humans; is that the reason to why he made them go through several tests? Could that be why he never stop taunting the fortissimo of Ikebukuro?

The adolescent had only found it quite fascinating at witnessing how long his humans could hold onto themselves. Their various expressions shown through a crack in their mask.

They were way below him, he reminded himself, taking one reluctant step through the gates. They couldn't even put up one of a good fight. Heck, their logic was so simple-minded as their brains. Excluding Shishizaki, that barbaric senior of his. Izaya couldn't help but wished they were dead, all those who made him suffer- maybe then, his plans wouldn't be thwarted. Maybe then, he wouldn't even have to suffer. Until then, Izaya continued avoiding them like a plague.

He couldn't help but be anxious. 'Did Psyche tell them?' These words continuously rang in his mind as Izaya roamed through the school. Honestly, he'd be in deep trouble if Psyche told them. But he won't be surprised if Shizuo or anyone else is pissed, currently stomping their way to school to find him and end his very life. Oh well, at least tomorrow was Saturday, the last day of school for the week. The chemistry tests results will be out by tomorrow. Hopefully, he'll be alive to receive the results by then.

"I—zaya-kun!"

'Well, if it isn't the hopeless, idiotic Shinra.' Izaya mused, watching as Shinra waved at him frantically from the corner of his eyes. It's been long since they've talked. Mostly due to either Izaya had been ignoring him, or whenever Psyche was around. Although the second option seems more like it. Izaya rarely turned Shinra away from him, but that didn't mean the same thing when it goes around. You see, Shinra liked to talk to Psyche since middle school. He even treated him like his own child and supported for him when the pink-eyed raven entered a singing competition last time. He won the 1st place in the end, just as expected and everyone grew proud of him. Another kind of thing Izaya didn't have.

"Ah, Shinra. Did something happen?"

"I heard."

"Hm? Heard of what, Shinra?" Izaya jerked his head upwards, immediately glancing over to Shinra beside him. At first, his face showed astonishment only to be then replaced by his holier-than-thou smile. It may be too late since his mask had already slipped for a short moment.

"Between Psyche and you." Shinra crossed his arms, "He only told us yesterday. And Shizuo was- wait, no- Shizuo is mad. He said he's going to look for you tomorrow since Psyche only told us after school." His words held no playful tone but a stern one as he spoke the finishing touches. "Oh." Simply said Izaya, shrugging his shoulders. If a broken heart could be heard, then the whole world would hear a sound of a huge earthquake crack. Instead, it was chosen to be concealed. Secrets were meant to be concealed therefore, it was natural to let them have no profound knowledge.

"What's it to you? Going to defend Psyche instead of me now, I see?"

"W-what? Well, according to Psyche, he didn't do anything! But he did say that you were the one who threw him outside.." Shinra muttered the last part distinctively, unsure how he would face the proceeding situations. Izaya, on the other hand, was not amused. But it was the truth. He was the one who threw him outside so why was he mad? Don't take it wrong. He wasn't mad at Psyche. He wasn't mad at Shinra. He was mad at himself. He had every reason to.

Nevertheless, it remained quite a mystery, at least to Shinra. Though he was used to seeing Izaya smiling a lot but today, and right at this very moment, it didn't seem like Izaya was actually smiling. There was an aura seeping from him. Also, note taken; a smiling Izaya can be a dangerous Izaya. Enough said. The smile did not waver even as both students walked their way to class together, and it was beginning to creep him out. Biology was their first period, and Shinra could only hope Izaya would not show his nasty side soon. Because, well. One thing for sure, it was certainly not a pleasant experience.

Entering their room, they seated themselves next to each other. Izaya casually leaning back on his chair as Shinra began to chat away.

"I got 99% on Biology yesterday! Can you believe it? I really did improve!"

"Of course. Doctors _are _supposed to improve."

"How about you? How much you got?"

"Don't even give me that look, Shinra. And no, I didn't get lower than you. I got 100. Another perfect score~"

"... Did you have to shove that in my face. Wow. I hate you."

"I love you too, my dear human."

**.**

During break, the crimson-eyed teenager didn't turn up at the rooftop for lunch nor anywhere else. Izaya thought it'd be best to stay away from them now. Shizuo was mad. Izaya knew because there was a loud, sudden piercing cry of battle that rumbled through the school. A cry that was calling out his name. In the end, he successfully managed to avoid the enraged blond and stay put out of his sight. Adrenaline pumped through his veins when he noticed that Shizuo would not be giving up soon.

The stupid brute continued to search for him literally everywhere and through the day. Literally. Because as Izaya climbed down the stairs for his next class, he halted; capturing the sight of Shizuo picking up the top lid of a trashbin and look inside, calling out for him once again. Right there, he almost blew his cover by laughing at his idiocy. Seriously, who in the right mind would even hide in a place filled of trash? The sound of his laughter came to the ears of the fake blond but it was already too late. Izaya had already fled away, using the other stairs to arrive at his next class. Through the day because Shizuo had barged into almost every room, no matter if the class had lessons ongoing or not.

Few hours came by. Maths was the last period for Izaya today.

And so far, no Shizuo.

Which was good.

The teacher continued explaining about the trigonometrical section on their revision papers. Izaya focused his attention on the papers before him before shrugging, knowing that he did not need to worry about this. It was only revision for next week's test, and that said, the paper settled on the table wasn't as complicated as it seemed. Quite like a piece of cake. Coming from the perfect student, himself. He decided to tune out, his state of mind almost slipped away into his imaginary world.

The world where everything was perfect. Where he has his loving family and friends, and a perfect lover with blooming memories to hold on. The world where everyone has taken a liking to him. The world where he is understood perfectly.

Only then, the bell decided to ring. The teacher bundled up her books, bidding the class with a goodbye before leaving the classroom. Finally, it was time to go home! Everyone was in glee! Actually, scratch that out. All except for our crimson-eyed raven were happy. Chairs screeched as they were pushed underneath their desk, the students rolling out of the room one by one. Disheartened, Izaya promptly shoved his case into the bag and sling it over his shoulders.

He cringed, quite thankful that Shizuo didn't get the chance to find him. Or else, they'll spring off into another cat-and-dog chase of theirs which Izaya surprisingly didn't find a mood for it. Looking at the clock, he read as it displayed **12:28pm**. There's still more time. But what to do kill time? There is no way would he venture into a park. Then a thought struck him. He should probably come out of his shell and let Shizuo chase him through the town. Yeah, he'll do just that. Maybe then, he thought to himself, he'll be able to tell Shizuo about everything. And his feelings.

Then again, the blond was a hardhead. Izaya doubted he would believe in anything he had said. Shaking his head, he allowed a sincere smirk grace his features. A sudden idea that came into his mind. It's risky, but worth it.

_Time for the cat to get back in the chase._

But s soon as he exited from his room, there was a sudden swoosh of wind, and BANG! A drinking fountain was tossed and crashed onto the tiled pavement, missing its target by only few inches. Down the hall, Izaya heard a familiar cry. A cry that was so often used ever since their first meeting. He turned, noticing a fuming Shizuo making his way towards him.

"YOU FUCKING FLEA!"

_And oh boy, was he mad._

"Language, language, Shizu-chan! You'll never know if there are kids in here! Wait, actually, you are one. Haha! Ja ne~!"  
"What did you fucking say?!"

But Izaya had already ran away, Shizuo running after him and grew hot on the tail of the snickering raven.

.

"Get your ass back here, we're not done yet!"

"Catch me if you can~!"

.

And so, the chase begins.

.

* * *

_**What happened that night...**_

A young boy decided to take a peek. Just one peek, and only one peek on the current scenario that's occurring down by the stairs. Silently, he crouched as he arrived by the balcony, holding onto wooden rails tightly as he sat, huddling closer to it. There were joyful laughter echoing through the house, scrapings of spoonware against plates could also be heard at the meantime. Without any reasons known, it pained him. He knew that he should have accepted the invitation but he didn't have the courage to go in and face everyone. He just couldn't do it.

For few more minutes, he sat there and observed each and every passer-by's facial expressions. They were happy. Even without him, they were happy. He wondered, did they searched for him this early evening? Or did they not notice of his absence in the house? ... Perhaps they knew about the incident? The thoughts came in as a bombardment, continuously rolling by like the clouds that drifted through the sky. Finally having enough, Izaya released his grip on the railings and got up from his position.

Time to go back to his room.

Each step he took was shaky. At the meantime, the boy kept reminding himself that he was strong. And he knew he was. If the others believed he was a monster like how his father had thought, then that didn't matter. They didn't matter. What matters is that as long as mother was still there; there by his side. He knew she loves him as much as he loves her to the moon and back. But how about Psyche? For once, the raven felt like he was not the one who had suffered. Perhaps... Perhaps Psyche had faith in him and by that, he was only trying to make it up to him. Only to end up being pushed away.

When Izaya finally returned to his room, he didn't expect a surprise. Never did he once think about having a surprise in his own room, and that surprise alone appeared to be deadly because in front him was none other than– Psyche. A kitchen knife held in his grip with a wide smile adorning his pastel features.

"Surprise, Iza-nii!"

But the greeting didn't concern the crimson-eyed adolescent at all. His attention had already fell onto the blade long ago, and the fact that it was right in his beloved brother's grasp, it made him panic. It was out of instincts, he swore as he stomped towards the other and immediately snatched the blade away by force, holding it out of put just when the younger one instantly tried to reach for it. "Gah, Iza-nii! Give back!" Psyche cried out in desperate plea, but Izaya refused to give in. Not when it was a knife.

"No! Why do you have a knife?!"

"I had a reason!" The older had quirked an eyebrow in response. Reason? What reason did his younger twin had with a knife? Izaya calmly waited for the answer, the knife still placed out of the other's reach. After a moment of few more resistance, Psyche finally slumped his shoulders in defeat and staggered backwards, a pout forming on his puckered lips. "I... I just wanted you to cut the cake with me."

Izaya stared at the other in confusion. "What?" He has got to be kidding. Cut the cake with him? Is that the only reason why Psyche was here? He knew the other wasn't smart. But never once Izaya thought Psyche would bring a knife when all he could do is confront him to go downstairs and cut the cake. For some sort of a reason, it felt more like he was threatened. "Was it really necessary to bring the knife?" asked Izaya, an eyebrow remained arching. "Yes." That was the only response to his question.

"Now give back! Please!"

"No, Psyche—" In a flash, the door opened in one wide gap, catching both of the youngsters by surprise as their attention went divided.

There, their parents held their shocked expressions at the scene, loud utter of gasps heard. But why? Why did they seem so surprise? Are they doing something wrong? Izaya felt a pang of fear hit him when he saw his father's face contorted to a grimace. When said man barged into the room with a couple of steps, Izaya couldn't help but back away. No sooner than later, the knife has been knocked out of his grip; and within a matter of few seconds, he found himself being shoved onto the floor.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Izaya was completely taken aback by the sudden outburst, a whimper escaped his throat as he scrambled out of the way when his father went past him. His whole body ached, there was pain spreading through his rear. Scary, it was so scary. How can things happen so fast? Why was he pushed down? There were so, so many questions he wanted to ask. The pain was unbearable. Why, father? Why?

Hearing a yelp, he looked up to witness a heart-wrenching scene. His father had taken his twin by the arm, Psyche tried all ways to wriggle out of his firm grip before being forcibly dragged outside. Glazed crimson eyes trailed after them to the door, consideration taken when he noticed a familiar silhouette that stood by the frame. But he didn't need to voice out who it was. The silhouette belonged to no one else than his mother. His mother. Shoulders slumped, his heart taking a twist in the most painful way as their gazes meet. There were several emotions were displayed on her face, most of them which the raven could not comprehend. But there was sadness, pity, disbelief and...

Disappointment.

He wanted to call out; to tell her that he didn't do anything; that it was all simply a misunderstanding; and that he did not hurt Psyche. But he couldn't. He wouldn't. A huge lump was in his throat, preventing him from muttering any single syllable. After few moments or so, he watched as she took a hold on the knob of the door, their gaze still intact but this time, the tension became more noticeable. More unbearable. The door was near to being closed and at that very last moment, their eye contact broke off. The first one to break it was his mother. His own mother. Finally, the gap closed in, leaving only he and his presence alone in the darkness.

And so, he sat there, basking himself under the absence of light. A piece of his heart torn and crumpled to pieces like a paper, leaving only more empty spaces. He didn't make any attempt to hold back the sobs, but instead letting all griefs and sorrow come to him at once. Only one realization dawned upon the young raven as he cried to his heart's content.

_His light is gone._

* * *

**Author's note: **So, I changed the title. And oh my god, for the first time, I had a writer's block. I didn't know what to write! D: But anyway, I'm currently having examinations. It ends on the 12th of June. Thank you to those who reviewed! Ahaha, and yes, my grammar suck. orz


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